A guy narrates his encounter with university LADIES on facebook - Campus Divas

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It started innocently. I accepted her friend’s request on Facebook even without consulting the gods. What followed next is what romantic Nigerian movies are made of. She liked half of my photos and posts, all in a day. She then poked me twice and inbox’ed me a long intro of herself. I was tempted to block her or ignore her, like I do with so many of these random messages you get on social media. But there was something about her Facebook profile picture that caught my attention. It was a picture, in my humble opinion, of arguably one of the finest Whiskeys in the world: Jack Daniel’s. Immediately curiosity had set in and I wanted to know more about her.

As per her intro, her name was Lynette, a third year Journalism student in one of the leading universities in the City. Long story short: she has been reading my blog for a sometime, and just wanted to share with me her thoughts. First, while she enjoys my style of writing, she however,thinks I use too many idioms and metaphors that kindatakes the juice out of the story. After close to two months, it was time to meet Lynette. I had assumed it was just one of those casual meetings you have with a smitten blog fan. For this reason, I suggested we meet in one of those un-tailored, laid- back unadventurous, family-like bar and restaurants in town. I arrived a few minutes earlier. Chose a strategic table at the far end, and was nonchalantly flipping through the dailies when Lynette tapped my shoulder. To my utter amazement, she was accompanied by a legion of her campus girlfriends.

They were seven of them. There was Kiki, Noon, Lohan… okay, those are the only names I could remember, and rightly so. Because Kiki was wearing so much perfume, all she could do was smell herself. Whereas Noon’s scanty dress was too colorful, I swear it could cure cancer. Lohan’s skirt on the other hand, was three inches below her waist, lest it covered her light-skin thighs when she sits down. And with her chubby size, she appeared poorly dressed that looking at her exposed fatty skin, I almost became a vegetarian. Worse still, she had a one-night-stand written all over her body.

The other four, with all fairness looked like a bunch of middling desperate housewives, with no aspirations and no expectations beyond drinking Smirnoff Ice, smoking chains of cigarette and gossiping about Vera Sidika and men. They spoke complete Facebookenesse. You know the Lol, NKT, LMAO, and they also seemed to have three volumes in their mouth – loud, louder and loudest. Lynette was dressed in low-cut black-squired top and high waisted blue jeans, which gave her the appearance of Michelle Obama from the waist up and a mistress to a football superstar from the waist down. It was interesting looking at these ladies. They giggled at anything and everything, and flashed around their cheap Smartphones, glossed lips and swat back their mane of gory weaves.

Ooh boy ! The weaves! Let me not even go there. But I will say this. The weaves some of them had smacked on their heads explains why the devil invented darkness. Curiously, most of them attempted desperately to speak “proper English” (read English without the slight influence of their mother tongues or morning after pills). This are the girls who would magically adopt an American accent just by  passing next to a Forex Bureau. An hour’s later and with my bill shouting something in the region of my monthly rent, my phone rang. Actually, I had intentionally set the alarm. Well, that is how I left the divas in the pretence of a family medical emergency. Before leaving, I wisely cleared my bill and Lynette’s. As for others, well, I never got the memo that meeting up with Lynette was supposed to be a group discussion attended by the entire campus divas.

Later that day Lynette had sent an apology. Okay, I’m not sure if it qualifies to be one, but it was a text message that I’m still deciphering. It went something like: Xaxaxwity. As in akiwioyeekindasi I’ve like craaazy BFFs..Lol.., ‘Opedei dint make u uncomfy.. Imagine we dint get tym to kach up. NKT..So, wat R U doinkesho? #Blankets&Wine… #TurnDown4WAT..LMAO… My frens would kinda like 2 C U AGAIN kesho., Si woiyeaki you kinda pick us up. Dunnowari, we’ll kinda squeeze in ur ride. Lol… LMAO..Luv U Xwity. I have since blocked all my contact with Xwity.

By Douglas Waudo