NAKURU IS THE CITY OF SIN.. WELCOME TO HELL- The Naxvegas experience! PART ONE.

By Cabu Gah

MY #NAXVEGAS EXPERIENCE. NAKURU IS THE CITY OF SIN.. WELCOME TO HELL.

Destination? Nakuru.
Why? Rugby Sevens.
When? 30th August.
Time? 3.00pm
Crew: Cabu Gah and the Ghafla crew.

NAIROBI TOWN...
Its 12pm,mid day. Tonnie Ndung'u Ghafla's official photographer is Whatsaaping Me.

"Uko??"

"Weee Ukoo ?? Niko kwa ofisi Kaka...."

I hadn't seen Tonny's texts. Till 15 minutes later.

I am in Hurlingham. Kwa studio. I check my Whatsaap.

"Aaaah Boss Niko tao...Nakam. Sonko ashaafika??" I reply to Tonnie.

By Sonko,I mean,the Founder of Ghafla Kenya,the self-effacing Mr. Majani.

"Bado..."

"Weee kam saa hii ...pia yeye anakam..." Tonnie replies.

Am done with studio. Mimi huyooooo TAO. I shoot over to the Ghafla offices. Hungry as a Baringo County voter.

There are atleast 4 people kwa studio. We are ALL GOING.
And,already,the first Ghafla trip has left...na gari ya Ofisi.

So we have to hire a cab. Mpaka Nax.

Mr. Majani shows up. 2 hours later. He's mad. And angry as FUCK. What happened is that,as he was going through OLX trying to find some guy that can hire him a taxi he found one. Who charged him 3k for one day.

Kumbe it was a CON MAN. Majani was told, "Tuma erfu moja harafu tukuretee gari town..."

Dutifully, Majani sent the bastard Ksh.1000. Na 30 za kutoa..The conman said,"Aaaayaaa kuja town sasa uone gari.....ushague ire itakupedeza..."

Majani came to tao. Tried calling the jamaa. Ako mteja. Calls again, Mteja.

Finally,they meet up. And they put Majani through hell. Instead of the initial 3k they asked for,they NOW DEMAND FOR 20 THOUSAND KENYA SHILLINGS. 20K!!!! Majani almost goes crazy.

Its a long,criminal story. You will read all of it in an exclusive Ghafla article today. So,Majani is MAD. Real pissed off.

We start looking for cars to hire..We hit the internet.....browse through tens of Car Hire Websites. Call so many numbers. Bado hatupati gari.

Shit. Its now 3.45pm. In the.AFTERNOON!!! Na Bado we are going to Nakuru.

Finally,I call up my elder brother, Steve Gachie . God bless elder brothers.

And after much struggle,Steve finally hooks us.up with a guy who also hooks us up with a guy who finally,hires out a NOAH to us.

A NOAH is a type of vehicle. With a huge outer body and plenteous inner space.

Its now 4.15pm. Gari tumepata. We are charged 5k per day. So,10k for 2 days. Swooosh,WE LEAVE!!

Majani is driving. After buying kilo mbili za nyama choma. And plenty of drinks. Cold,Hard drinks. Harder than the Referendum debate.

By the time we fika Kinoo,nyama.imeisha. We throw the wrapping papers out of the speeding car. And turn our attention to the drinks.

We had bought party cups. Thank Jesus. We have a Smirnoff. And some Absolut Vodka. A Jack Daniels. Na pia Famous Grouse.God Bless Majani. Haha.

Oh Did I mention we also have 70 litres of CocaCola??? Well,we do. Drinking starts. Tuko Limuru sasa. Majani is driving fast!!! Real fast!! Am with Tonnie. And Vincent,a Ghafla photojournalist too.

At Naivasha,we pick up a girl. Socialite wa Naivasha. Hehe .And my real good friend.

Her name is Tamima. Tamima is dressed like a criminal. Or a minor character. In a James Bond movie. Strong cologne. Long earnings. Crop top exposing her belly. An ostentatious Chantal Biya-esque mane of flowing hair. A coruscating pair of Gold stilletos. A gleaming clutch bag. And a.chain that glittered like the Arabian sky.

" Cabuuu Gaaaah!!!" Tamima yelled,reaching over to hug me.

Man,a warm hug that was. Warmer than kiota ya ndege.

I ushered her into the car,and she stumbled in,removing her shoes and reaching for a party cup.

"Mko na pombe?" She asked, pushing her ascading weave behind,and using the Car's back.mirror to touch up on her abundantly-spread makeup.

Tamima,Ulevi itakuua. She pours a very prodigal amount of Jack Daniels into her cup. And some very little Coca Cola.

And when Tamima starts drinking, the whole car comes alive!

"Aaah change iyo station...." she commanded.

We were listening to Kiss 100.

"Eka hii...." she said,reaching into her bag and offering us a flash disk. We inserted the flash disk. And BOOM BOOM !!!

The vehicle was plunged into a whole Jamaican street Carnival.

"Ah Sexy Girl Yoself...A sexy Girl Yoself....Expose Yourself...."

That was Jamaican star,Konshens. Bringing the car party ALIVE.

Its now past 6.00pm. Giza inaingia. Wooooiii tutawai fika. We are now at Gilgil. And there is some serious traffic jam. Damn,I curse. And hope that this traffic jam will NOT last for as long as the Masaku Madness did.

Luckily,it doesn't. Actually, its NOT a legal traffic jam. Its just some stupid jam caused by a bunch of inebriated Youths riding in a Toyota NZE who had caused an minor accident.

As we approached the accident scene,We realized that it was a bunch of 4 cars that had collided into one another.

And all I saw was the noisy owners/drivers of the cars yelling at each other. Cursing and swearing. And taking photos of the crash site. I also saw broken windscreens and particles of crashed headlights. And the male occupants of the cars taking a pee alongside the road.

Its now darker than ever. And raining too. Na Nakuru bado tunaenda. Gai Fafa.

We ain't moving. Not even an inch. After some ten minutes or so,still stuck in this stupid traffic gridlock one of the youths whose vehicle is part of the 4-car accident decides its PARTY TIME.

And BOOM!!!! They turn up the volume hard on their car!

"Nimekuchagua weeweeee....Nikupeendee....Mamaaa sitaki Mwingine......Sura Yako Muzuri Mamaaaa......"

The road goes wild. Wilder than shamba ya Delamere.

Ladies scream their intestines out. And,right in the middle of a freaking car crash,these rowdy youths dance their necks off.

Everyone is doing the LIPALA DANCE!!! In the middle of the road in Gilgil. Headlights are on. Cars are hooting loudly.

Other drivers are cursing bitterly..But Sauti Sol brings traffic to a l standstill. Literally.

Waaaaaaaah! Tamima wants to go out and join the dancing rascals. I say,NO.

"Hapaana.....kaa hapa....."

Soon,the traffic is over,we are quickly sorted and we drive off to Nakuru swiftly with NO OTHER incident along the way. And an hour later,at around 7.43pm,We MAKE THE GRAND ENTRANCE INTO NAKURU.

WOW!!!! NAKURU is a Beautiful,Beautiful city! Goodness....

The well-manicured roads,the systemized rows of traffic lights,big billboards,stately malls and a blinding revelrous,New-York city atmosphere....

This is NAKURU,Baby!!! THE CITY OF SIN.

Welcome to the Rugby Ma rdi Gras. And may the fiesta begin.

Nakuru is ALIVE. With throngs and.throngs of countless people.littering the streets and alleys and roads and walks...

Its now 8.03pm.

Tamima wants a cigarette. *PART TWO COMING UP,plus crazy pics too**